Keep Your Head Down

The same question rings through my ears, never trailing off, getting lost in the chaos that surrounds my mind. Why did you do it? I asked you repeatedly and each time you lied. I saw it in your eyes, that slight widening of your eyes, that brief moment of hesitation. Don’t try to hide it. You knew that I’ve known since the beginning. Between the two of us, who was really the fool? Me, who kept going along with your lie, seeing how far you would take it, or you, who kept the lie going, knowing I didn’t believe any of it. Well, that doesn’t matter. The past is the past but still…I can’t help but wonder, why did you really do it? Why did you lie? Why did you build up this magical parallel universe of your own? Is it because you’ve fooled yourself into believing in your own lie? Or is it your special way to escape reality? If it’s the latter, why did you end it the way you did? Why did you have to use everything I’ve ever confided in you and turn it against me? You were my best friend, I took care of you, I was there for you whenever you needed it…and that’s what I get? You blamed your stupid illness on me. Maybe I should be flattered that you think I have the power to control your blood cells and trigger your sickle cell. Sorry hun, but that was karma for you. After what you did to me, you’ve spent practically all year in the hospital. Are you surprised that I know? I promised I wouldn’t leave you, so here I am fulfilling my promise and watching from the sidelines. All you did was hurt me, but you were my sister, like it or not, we did the blood tie, so now part of me runs through you and part of you runs through me. We were supposed to be inseparable remember? We had so many plans and dreams, I wanted to care for you, I wanted to sleep on the hospital chair beside you while you were having one of your crisis but you….you lied and deceived me. And I guess this is just how it was supposed to be. I don’t really think of you anymore, you’re like a shadow in the back of my mind, all I have to do is shine some light on you and you disintegrate into nothing once again. But I find that shadow creeping up on me each time I let my guard down, and I’ve finally realized why. I still have so many unanswered questions and they linger around me like stagnant air, skillfully seeping through the cracks in my heart and mind, suffocating me with their raw emotions, reminding me that I can run as fast and as far as my legs desire, but they’ll always catch up to me.